Saturday, July 30, 2011

Stroller Tray Table of Motherhood Memoir Art

 I am wondering why nobody is bidding on my eBay auction item. Maybe it is because the shipping is $3000.00? Please read on to find out why.

Item Condition: Highly Used and Harassed by Children Just Like Seller

I am selling my most beloved piece of baby gear, a mother’s memoir, with reticence. Don’t all mums get desperate and turn to ebay when hubby says, “It’s time you went back to work.”?

Jimmy, my husband, came home from work yesterday evening and our conversation went,

“Have you got your period again? I thought you just had one.”

“No, I’ve got PMS, you insensitive moron.”

“Have you started looking for a job yet?”

For some strange reason, he does not think that looking after kids, blogging, and publishing an eBook constitutes a proper job.

"Why ever not darling?" I ask him.

Actually, I scream at him and swear. I tell him that I am going to get an evening and weekend job in a bar. He gets to put the kids to bed every night and have the entire weekend by himself in their company. On the other hand, I will be bought drinks by lots of men in the bar, because my boobs are bigger than those of the other barmaids.

And so I am preparing my resume or curriculum vitae, which is Latin for "course of life". Isn't everybody's course of life the same?

Dribbling and crapping, bullshitting to get a job / wiping up dribble and crap, dribbling and crapping.

(Come to think of it, this tray table has seen its fair share of those activities. It not only clips onto a Jeep umbrella stroller and, no doubt , other brands, but also onto the bassinettes on British Airways transatlantic flights back to the rainy U.K. This tray table has seen more turbulence and flatulence than your average tropical cyclone. But it is robust. It is a survivor!)

Power verbs are an essential part of any resume and indeed they have got me jobs in the past.

Bullet points are also important, but I have not quite mastered those on my new computer (which my husband bought me seven years ago).

My key achievements to date:

*Managed to get stuck in a lift (elevator) for two hours during a fire drill.

! Proved my team playing skills, by writing a bogus report for the director to present to our sister company in Hamburg. The rest of the sales team was coercedinto collaboration. The director, who did not speak much German, read our report, word for word, to our German colleagues and managed to call the manager there a garden gnome and a dysfunctional cocksucker. Apparently, German factory workers did have a great sense of humour (humor) that day.

. Minimized postage costs for the department by losing all of the names and addresses on the database.

# Liquidated my computer by throwing a cup of coffee at the keyboard when it lost my entire research project.

; Disproved the theory that German cars are superior by winning an off-roading race in my British company car in Germany.

@ Restructured that company car so that it was unrecognizable.

+ Administered a very painful blow to the groin of the taxi driver, who tried to grope me when he finally found me sitting by the smouldering remains of my company car.

? Fabricated a great story about what happened and why I needed to fly back from Germany and abandon the company car.

" Distinguished myself as the most reckless worker that the company had ever had the misfortune to employ.

007 Investigated the affair of my boss and the director and bridgedthe gap between being fired and obtaining an expensive, brand spanking new vehicle for my next trip to Germany.

I am currently studying for a Ph.D.

"What will you be a doctor of?" you may ask.

Why, Bullshit of course - what other kind of Ph.D. is there?

Now what sort of job would I like to apply for?

Nothing to do with kids or animals.

When I lived in rainy England, my ambition in life was to retire somewhere sunny (obviously not Britain) and sit on the beach drinking wine. That pretty much summarizes my current situation, so in that respect, I have been one of the most successful people I know. I have achieved my goal. The careers advisers and life coaches are not going to get any business from me. In fact, I am at the pinnacle of my career.

Like the course of life, my resume remains a work in progress.

And so I am going to try my hand at selling our discarded remnants to others in a last plea for freedom from evil employers, who can only be less oppressive than my current mini managers.

You may ask why the shipping on my objet d’aft is so high.

Isn’t that how all sellers make money on ebay?

Actually, I have a more poignant reason. I hate (“hate is a very strong word Mummy”) waiting in queues in post offices more than anything in the world except, perhaps, tarantulas. I would rather be carried, covered in curry by cannibals, through the Congo on a bad Ebola day than waste my life waiting for service from a tortoise in a fusty smelling, antiquated GPO.

And don’t get me wrong, this is not a racist slur on U.S. post offices. I despise these institutions on a global scale.

It is not so much the way I have to chat to old ladies, who have lost their pension book and are hopping around on their fifth hip replacement. Nor is it the way the postmaster has seemingly run out of stamps, which is tantamount to a winery running out of wine, but not quite as serious.

It is more the way I always seem to have my kids with me and they shout questions like,

“Why does that old woman smell of dirty nappies?” (“diapers” to you locals).

“Is that dog with the man with the white stick deaf too?”

And then when I get to the counter, I have forgotten what I was going to buy or send. My kids inherited most of my memory cells, the minute they were conceived, leaving me with fewer than a retarded barnacle.

International Shipping: This stroller tray table has already travelled all over the world. It is immune to vomit in many different countries. One more journey abroad probably won’t hurt it. Just don’t expect me to explain all the stains to the customs authorities.

If you are unfortunate enough to lose this exciting ebay auction and not get this precious piece of memoir art, then please purchase my eBook from Amazon. It is called “Laugh in the Face of PMS Diary.”

Happy bidding.

Love, hugs, and irreverence to all you super buyers and the cuddly staff at ebay.


And here is the advert itself, but hurry, only 8 days to go!


  1. Susan! maybe we should all get together and form a "home" business of some kind....there's gotta be money out there for creative geniuses like us!
    ....anyway...your humor is as wonderful and ( painfully? ) truth filled as ever and i can't wait to hang out with you....soon. xo

  2. Thanks Laamie for your lovely comment on my blog - I agree we should set up some sort of bizarre business. We will have to have a drink sometime and do some brainstorming or brain reducing!
    Love and irreverence