Thursday, March 17, 2011

My Bush and Red Wine Defy Radiation

First of all, I DO NOT find recent events in Japan amusing. I am not trying to make light of the terrible situation there. I am horrified to find, that on top of all the shit they have already been dealt, the refugees are now being snowed on.

And here I am, in sunny California, worrying about whether it would be better to let the cat run free, or shut him in the house, if we ever have to evacuate. It seems people are panicking that the radiation will affect us here. Rather than feeling compassionate towards Japanese people, it feels uncomfortably like we are blaming them for all this nuclear nonsense. I am sure that many of them would rather have seen solar, wind and wave power in their country than nuclear reactors.

Today, I am merely looking for an entertaining way to find alternatives to potassium iodide, potassium iodate, and anything else with "pot" or "iod" in the name. The shops have sold out, websites have got stuff on backorder, and the chemists are becoming extremely rich.

Culinary advice is not really my style. I normally incinerate things, blow up the kitchen, or cut the ends off my fingers with our, recently replaced by the kind manufacturer, kitchen knives.

Let's get one thing clear, I am not a doctor, nor an expert on radiation, nor a good chef. I would like to study for a doctorate in drinking red wine though, if anybody knows of any good universities to attend and a rich financier who would like to be my sponsor.

Take everything written here with a pinch of salt, or better still, a pinch of rosemary.

The thing is, my bush could be the key to our survival of a nuclear incident.

Rosemary has been a revered herb (or urb as it is commonly pronounced here in the U.S.) since before my Granny's time. Old women used to frequently wear it in their knickers to stop them from needing a bath so often. I should try using it for my kids. It is a bit prickly though.

There are two things in rosemary that deter radiation poisoning. These are called Carnosic and rosmarinic acids. Fuck knows how they work, but I am sure if you look it up in a proper herby sort of publication, you can find out.

My husband is concerned that I am going through another of my weird phases. I have been plucking my bush and making rosemary pesto. Fortunately, the one in the garden is very much bushier than its underwear covered counterpart. However, Jimmy has declined to eat the former culinary delight.

"Last time you made food with rosemary, one of those sharp needles got lodged in my throat and nearly killed me. Besides, it tastes like nasty old lady's perfume."

But, the best news I have heard all day:

Actually, I searched the web for such a topic. I thought there must be some articles related to how booze can help in a disaster. And BINGO.

To counteract the nasty strontium 90 in nuclear particles, which gets absorbed by the bones, and pretty much microwaves you from inside, drink lots and lots and lots of red wine. It contains strontium 85, which is not radioactive. You fill up your body with non-nuked strontium and piss out the nasty 90. If you run out of red wine, white will do. It does not contain as much strontium 85 as red, so I guess you just need to drink more of it. And piss more.

Imagine the new names for wine that may evolve: Cabernet Strontium 85, Stronto Grigio 85, and for special occasions, like when you can finally leave the nuclear bunker, that you have constructed in your garden, Strontagne 85. Save the Sauvignon Strontium 90 for unwanted visitors.

The Russians, apparently, survived the Cold War by drinking vodka. They were told to drink a lot of it in the event of a nuclear attack to flush out radioactive particles. Their ideology encouraged them to think,

"Everybody hates us, so what the fuck, might as well get shit-faced again"

I read an article, which further backed up my scientific findings and I have quoted a piece of it below.

"Japanese Should Be Drinking To Stave Off Radiation Poisoning

After the Chernobyl nuclear disaster of Ukraine in April, 1986 people were advised to drink red wine or vodka in order to neutralize radio-active toxic effects. A study by the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine in 2008 concluded that Resveratrol, the natural antioxidant commonly found in red wine and many plants, might offer protection against radiation exposure, and when altered with acetyl, resveratrol administered before radiation exposure proved to protect cells from radiation in mice."


Rosemary wine can, supposedly, assist with headaches, so that will help to get rid of the hangover caused by imbibing the red wine or the vodka.

Rosemary and roast lamb - mmm, I can't wait for tonight's dinner, especially the red wine part, which luckily I had delivered last night by the nice Safeway man. They have not run out of that yet.

Cheers to my bush, red wine, and the nice Safeway man!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Highflying With Kids

Flying with kids can be very scary,
You have good reason to be wary.

Before you fly, be sure to pack,
And always remember to take a snack.

Carry only tiny bottles of liquids or gel,
Otherwise your life will be pure hell.

If you have a baby, take a bottle with a nipple,
Pack an extra for mum, filled up with a tipple.

To avoid having a total nightmare,
Don't forget the favourite bear.

Pack sensible toys for onboard fun,
Whistles, paints, party poppers, a drum.

Tell your children, especially your six year old son,
Not to pack his toy knife, nor his pretend gun.

Before you fly, you need to share,
The importance of wearing underwear. *

Mile high anal output travels at high velocity,
Resulting sometimes in a smelly and messy atrocity.

A spare set of clothes for all is an essential matter,
In case of unexpected poo, puke, spillage, or splatter.

Take plastic bags to contain garments that are soiled,
Otherwise your backpack will be smelly and spoiled.

DVD player comes out; kids' headphones go on,
There is no real reason why your voyage can't be bon.

Bribe the children with unhealthy treats,
If this keeps them in their seats.

Your offspring can run, but they can't get off the plane,
So let the other passengers help to share the pain.

As your cherubs have races up and down the aisle,
You can sit back, relax, drink wine, and smile.

On internal flights, don't expect food, unless you intend to pay,
If you're lucky, you might get a drink from the stewardess' tray.

Clean air is always extremely limited in supply,
From other passengers' farts, you may well die.

One day they may introduce an oxygen fee,
After all, on a plane, not much is free.

Passports are a must for all international flights,
As you board the plane, you waive your human rights.

Don't make the staff angry by being rude,
They have the advantage of superior altitude.

Don't forget you must eat up any fruit or vegetation,
Before you arrive and go through customs and immigration.

Never argue with the passport people, even if they are rotten,
You don't want your name down for an inspection of the bottom.

If customs ask, "Madam, do you have any vegetables, fruit, or trees?"
Just open up your jacket, flash your melons - "officer, only these".

* see the following, The Importance of Wearing Underpants